Because I thought this month was going to be easy...I thought getting rid of clutter would be a piece of cake. What I didn't realize was the God was going to work on spiritual and emotional clutter as well.
I am doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. I have been doing it for a little over a month, I have completed the introduction as well as the section on love. It was great, I loved it. I felt convicted over some things and made some changes...all was good. And then I started the section on joy.
I feel like I have hit a wall.
It has made me realize that I am not a very "joyful" person. To me the idea of joy and even happiness come with an abandonment that I am just not comfortable with. I like control, I like knowing what is coming, and having a plan for whatever that is. To me joy isn't "logical". God has given us so many reasons to be joyful, why can't I seem to "tap" into that?
I know that sounds horrible. I have always seen joy as one of the "lesser" fruits of the spirit. I almost see it as something you outgrow.
Well, God is making me come face to face with this. It is almost like He is mimicking my husband, who always says, "why don't you like fun?"
God is making me realize that I need joy in my life. That my life as both a human and as a spiritual person isn't complete without joy. And to be very honest the idea is both invigorating and terrifying.
I long to live a joyful life, I long to be more free and have a certain level of abandonment. What is scary to me is the fact that I can't come up with a plan for that! (which I know defeats the purpose of living life with abandonment):)
So this is something I am working on, and I think it is going to have me learning lessons from my children...because they certainly live life with joy and abandon. They know I love them, they just enjoy things! I know my heavenly Father loves me, I need to start enjoying things.
One of the major obstacles has been the fact that I am still dealing with the terror of what happened with Reagan. I know it has been six weeks, but it is still terrifying. Anytime she starts getting upset I flash back to that day. I am terrified that she is going to get sick, and have another seizure. I feel like I have been surviving, but not thriving. Again, I can't come up with a plan to get over this. I don't like living life in fear, and while the fear has lessened in alot of aspects it still lurks. This fear is creeping into every aspect of my life, affecting other relationships within my family, it has to go! It is exhausting and draining. I have become a "yelly" mom again, and I really don't like it.
So all that being said, it is time for me to take a deep breath. It is time for me to realize that God is good, and that joy is founded in Him, not circumstances. Circumstances change, God doesn't, so there is ALWAYS a reason for joy. I am just so thankful that I serve a God who knows my limitations, He knows what I am striving for and is so forgiving about me messing up and having to pick myself up and start over!
These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
—John 15:11
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