Summing up May

On The Anvil by Max Lucado
With a strong forearm, the apron-clad blacksmith puts his tongs into the fire, grasps the heated metal, and places it on the anvil. His keen eye examines the glowing piece. He sees what the tool is now and envisions what he wants it to be--sharper, flatter, wider, longer. With a clear picture in his mind, he begins to pound. His left hand still clutching the hot mass with the tongs, his right hand slams the two-pound sledge upon the moldable metal.
On the solid anvil, the smoldering iron is remolded.
The smith knows the type of instrument he wants. He knows the size. He knows the shape. He knows the strength.
Whang! Whang! The hammer slams. The shop rings with the noise, the air fills with smoke, and the softened metal responds.
But the response doesn't come easily. It doesn't come without discomfort. To melt down the old and recast it as new is a disrupting process. Yet the metal remains on the anvil, allowing the toolmaker to remove the scars, repair the cracks, refill the voids, and purge the impurities.
And with time, a change occurs: What was dull becomes sharpened, what was crooked becomes straight, what was weak becomes strong, and what was useless becomes valuable.
Then the blacksmith stops. He ceases his pounding and sets down his hammer. With a strong left arm, he lifts the tongs until the freshly molded metal is at eye level. In the still silence, he examines the smoking tool. The incandescent implement is rotated and examined for any mars or cracks.
There are none.
Now the smith enters the final stage of his task. He plunges the smoldering instrument into a nearby bucket of water. With a hiss and a rush of steam, the metal immediately begins to harden. The heat surrenders to the onslaught of cool water, and the pliable, soft mineral becomes an unbending useful tool.
"For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
(I Peter 1:6-7)

From On the Anvil: Max Lucado
Stories On Being Shaped Into God's Image

The image of being on an anvil was never far from my mind this month. I had in my head what the month where I was going to focus on my relationship with the Lord was going to look like. It was a peaceful calm path...this month has been anything but.
In this month I have struggled more than I think I have ever struggled in my life! I have dealt with fear, anxiety, despair and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and wondering where I was going to get the strength to take the next step.
God has showed Himself faithful. The strength was always there for that next step. He was always there with me. I am reminded of the "Footprints in the Sand" poem, and I know He did alot of carrying this month.
Psalm 23 became real to me, "yea tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me." When I saw my daughter lying sedated and intubated, I have to admit my faith was small. I couldn't even put words to the prayers I was sending up to God. But during my helicopter ride I felt a peace that I have never felt before, yes I was still scared, yes I was anxious and wanting answers, but over all I knew that God was in control, that we were being held in the palm of His hand. I knew that even though I couldn't put words to my prayers there were hundreds of other people who were lifting us up in prayer. I knew that none of this surprised God. Those were the things I had to hold on to.
I have started a Beth Moore Bible study this month, and today's study was talking about the victory we have in the spirit. The victory is there! I don't need to worry about being defeated!
So this month was hard and terrifying, but hopeful it has made me a sharper tool to be used for God's glory!

A Constant Lesson

I think the biggest lesson I have learned this month is that my faith in God needs to be renewed every second, every day. That it is something that I need to guard.
After Reagan's seizure and hospitalization this month I am feeling like I am living with a time bomb, because we don't have answers yet. Anytime she acts in a way that she did that day, or if something happens out of the normal my heart starts to race and I start wondering, "will this bring on another seizure?"
This is an exhausting way to live! I don't like living in constant fear and foreboding. I know that this is not of God.
I am learning on a day to day basis, that God is powerful where I am powerless. I can't do anything to "fix" Reagan. I can be proactive and be a good steward of the information that we have, but honestly, my hands are tied, but God's aren't.
Whenever I start feeling afraid I remember that God loves my little girl even more than I do. That she is safe and secure in His hands. I just need to have peace in that, and when I start feeling fearful I have to give her back to God.
Last week was really difficult. I could feel myself sliding back into depression. I wanted to give up....but as a mom you can't! I am so thankful for my friends who listened to me, encouraged me and kept me going when I couldn't do it myself.
So this is a moment to moment battle. The things I know, the things I can hold onto are:
God is in control
God loves me and my children
My job is to obey
Nothing will happen to us that God isn't in complete control over
God won't give me more than I can handle

I May Have to Buy a Tiara!

As I stated in my previous post, May is the month I want to focus on my spiritual life.
After one of my favorite bloggers mentioned Beth Moore's study of the fruit of the Spirit, I decided to try the study.
Week 1 has been entitled "Free at Last". It has been all about letting go, which is something that I really struggle with. Today's study really spoke to me, the title, "Credited Righteousness".
In my head I have a list of what I call, "My Major Mistakes". It is a list that while I have asked forgiveness for, I still hold over my own head. I still beat myself up over these things on a daily basis.
The study points out that God never points out sin for the purpose of instilling hopelessness, guilt and poor self esteem, which is what I feel when I think about my "Major Mistakes".
So as I was finishing my study this morning I started making a mental list of the way God sees me.
- I am His daughter, and since He is the King that makes me a princess! (break out the tiara!)
- I am unique...He created me for a distinct purpose.
- I am made in His image
- I am pure...He sees me through the blood of Jesus
Does that the change the way I see myself...yes it does. Does it mean that I will still struggle with seeing my mistakes when I look at myself? Yes it does, but know I have ammunition when the lies start coming.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

Miracles in May

At the beginning of the year I decided that May was going to be the month I really focused on improving my spiritual life. Last Monday I was going to sit down and write a thought provoking blog about how I was starting a new personal Bible study, and what my plans for this month entailed.
However, on Monday I experienced a miracle.
On Monday Reagan had another seizure. This was worse than last time. It didn't happen because of a fever, it was longer, and she actually experienced two seizures. She was given a ton of meds at Howard County Hospital and had to be intubated. We were flown to Children's in DC because Howard Country wasn't equipped to deal with the seriousness of her condition.
After multiple tests, including catscans, bloodwork, EEG and a spinal taps they still don't know why she had this seizure. In a few weeks we will have an MRI and they will try to find an answer.
But instead of dwelling on this, I am trying to focus on the fact that God gave us a miracle this past week. I have never prayed so hard and for awhile I was truly afraid that Reagan wasn't going to survive. It was like living through a horrible nightmare that you can't wake up from . My baby was lying there having to have a machine breathe for her. All I could pray was, "God, please let her live" over and over and over again...and He did.
The doctors expected that she would have mental or physical issues because of how long the second seizure lasted, but God intervened and other than a little weakness and unsteadiness she is back to her crazy self.
God's people, all over the world were praying for my little girl. While we were flying in the helicopter it was like I could feel God's presence in a very real way. I knew without a doubt that God was holding us in the palm of His hand.
Words can't even describe the thankfulness I feel. I truly feel undeserving, and completely humbled that God in His infinite grace chose to save my little girl.
2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I have never felt so weak, so helpless, but I found out that God's power is truly enough.
At this point I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if these seizures are going to be a regular occurrence. I just don't know, but I do know that whatever happens God's power will shine through. Yes, I am still having problems recovering from the stress of this week. My eyes are still puffy because of all the crying. I am still terrified that it will happen again. Having faith in God's power doesn't negate the human aspects, but I know that He knows that. He knows that I am still a mom and going to worry and cry. He knows that I am going to have my moments that I break down. But He also knows that underneath all the emotions that I trust Him. He knows that I believe that He holds both of my children in His hands.

My little girl home and happy!

Having the Mindset of a Two Year Old

Last night I am not proud to admit that I had an attitude that would rival any "two year -older".
"Its not fair","I don't want to", and "Hummph" were the phrases going through my head. I literally wanted to stomp around the room, slamming doors and throwing things, ( I didn't by the way, but I really really wanted too!)
It was one of the nights that all military wives have, or at least I hope that I am not the only one, where the fact that what is going on in the rest of the world and the fact that is affects our day to day lives, is just a little hard to take.
What is really hard during these "tantrums" is the grown up voice inside my head is saying things like, "Now you know that your husband has an important job that affects millions", "Aren't you proud of the fact that your husband is a soldier?", and "There are so many people in harder situations than you."
To be a military wife you really get a lot of lessons in humility. You have to learn how to step gracefully aside for the greater good. You have to get used to family plans getting postponed, personal plans getting cancelled, and explaining to your children why Daddy isn't home for dinner...again. It can be tiring and draining.
But at the same time it is very rewarding. I know I always get a very proud feeling when I show my military ID. I love hearing my son tell people that his daddy is a hero. I am very grateful for the job security and health care that the military provides us. I love my military family and the support that they have given me.
So yes, the pros outweigh the cons, and my tantrum was short lived, after a snack of BBQ potato chips and an early bedtime things don't look so bad. And after drinking my cup of coffee this morning and sometime with the Lord, my trantrum is over and I am ready to put on my big girl panties once again and deal with it!

A Toxic Tongue

I don't really consider myself a political person. To be honest, until my husband joined the Army I didn't really follow politics at all. Now politics affect my daily life, and so I have started paying more attention.
What I have some to realize is that behind the politics are real people, with real feelings. While I realize that this is America and we all have the freedom to speak our mind and believe what we do, we need to be good stewards of this gift of freedom. Before you speak your mind about things that are going on, you need to ask yourself why you are voicing your opinion. Is it just to get attention? Is it just to make some noise?
Because the military is close to my heart I am going to use that as an example. Today my feelings got hurt by another persons opinion of what my husband as well as every other soldier stands for. While everyone has the right to think what they want to about the war, and recent military actions, remember the women who have lost husbands in these actions, the children who won't have their mommy's or daddy's come home for dinner. Remember that your quips, while exorcising your freedom, may hurt another person.
In getting back to basics, the idea of what comes out of my mouth has been forefront. The Bible has alot to say about this....one of my favorites is:
Ephesians 4:29
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
In our day to day activities we let things come out of our mouths that are toxic. While the saying goes, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", we all know that isn't true. We can all think back to something someone has said that has stuck with us and still brings about some pain.
So lets remember to guard our tongue, in all aspects of life.