Under Construction

Have you ever had a week that kinda shakes you down to your core? A week where you come face to face with the person you have become, a week where you turn your eyes to heaven and give yourself wholly to God.
That was the kind of week I had.
Lately my life has been very busy. Between having my mom visit, my step daughter visit, multiple family gatherings, and just regular life I haven't had much time to "be still".
This week, my husband was TDY, and through a bunch of different circumstances my very full week became very empty.
It became a week where I had lots of quiet time in which to reflect and just sit and listen to God.
Some of the things He told me were hard to hear. They required me to come out of my comfort zone and deal with things that I had done that had hurt other people. Wednesday was a day spent in tears as I saw my brokenness. I saw my shortcomings, my faults and my sin.
Thursday though, was a day of joy. Thursday God showed me how He sees me. He doesn't see the brokenness, He doesn't see my faults. He sees me through the blood of His son. He sees me as a princess. He loves me.
Psalm 51 has been my prayer this week.

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

I am thankful that God is more patient with me than I am with myself. There is a song we used to sing in Sunday School. The chorus is:
He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

I am thankful that my God knows me. He knows what I struggle with, He knows my ability. And even though He asks me to do somethings that the human in me doesn't want to do, I know that He will give me the strength, the wisdom and the guidance to do His will.
So there are changes that need to be made in my life. There are habits I need to break and new habits I need to start, but step by step my God will lead me. I just need to follow.

It's All About Love

There is an old DC Talk song called "Love is a Verb". When I was younger I loved that song, and it made perfect sense to me, if you love someone you show it!
However, recently, in my adult life the act of loving hasn't always been the easiest thing. The word gets tossed around in this culture, it is used for everything from things we eat, to the people that our in our lives.
May was supposed to be my month to find a church, but different things got in the way, and I didn't end up finding a church. My mom came to visit this month, and she is more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would drag her along.
I have attended for three weeks now and each week it was like the pastor was preaching right at me, and it has been all about love.
One of the points that really hit me was that God calls us to love one another...that is it...not change each other, not judge each other, not love only the loveable. GOD is in charge of changing, GOD is the ultimate judge, and lets face it if GOD only loved the loveable, none of us would be loved by Him!
Of all the words used to describe God, I John 4:8 states that God is love. Love is the driving force behind God's wonderful grace. It, simply stated, is what makes God tick.

It sounds so simple, but acting in love takes a moment my moment dedication.
I got to practice this concept on Friday night. I ran into a person who last year caused my closest friends alot of pain. Part of me wanted to call her out on the carpet, and accuse her, point the finger and her, and basically make her feel like she made my friends feel. But I stopped, prayed, treated her with love. I chatted for a second, asked how her kids were and that was about it. It all comes down to the good ol' WWJD!
Yesterday's sermon brought me to tears. There were alot of great points, but the one that really hit home is the fact that Jesus wants me to come to Him just the way I am. I don't have to wait until I am perfect to come to Him, I don't have to wait until I get my life where I want it to be, or until my marriage or children are perfect, He wants me now. He wants me tired, run down, empty. He wants my anger, my sadness and my confusion. He wants me to come to Him like that because He loves me, because that in Him are the answers to all those things that I see as imperfections in myself.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
This year has challenged me beyond anything before in my life. It has stretched me, it has broken me down. But Jesus has heard my pleas, listened to my rantings and held me up when I had no strength.
But most of all He has shown me love. He has gathered me in His arms. He hasn't held my past against me, He loves me for who I am now.
Having that kind of love given so freely to me, how can I not turn around and show that to others?

My Goals for July...A Few Days Late!!

June flew by! I did well on my de-cluttering, but still have a ways to go. The garage is still the bane of my existence! It is just so easy to close the door and forget about it!
July is supposed to my month to either finish my unfinished projects or get rid of them. It goes well with the left over de-cluttering that I have to do.
July is going to also be my month to get back to the way I was in February, before all the craziness with Reagan started. It has been nine weeks now since her last seizure and I feel like both her and I are starting to get back to "normal".
After her incident I stopped working out and I stopped caring about what I was eating. Because of that I have put on all the weight I had lost. I started working out last week and have actually lost a pound! Baby steps..right?
I also went to see my doctor to kind of check in and make sure that physically I am ok. My thyroid is a little wonky, so we are fixing that.
I am also going to church this Sunday for the first time in a very long time. While my relationship with God is better than it has been in years, I feel like I need to get back into a fellowship.
Over all I feel like I am coming out of a fog.

My little girl, happy, healthy and full of life!