A Little Lighter Than Last Week

So this week has been a bit more fun than last week. While I am still struggling with some things inwardly, I have had more peace, wisdom and strength.
This week I have had some fun playing around with photoshop. As you all know I love photography, but learned on film, and this digital stuff is still new to me. I have had a good edition of photoshop for awhile, and knew the basics, I could change things into black and white and such, but this week I have made the time to explore and little more and had a lot of fun!


I finished reading Brennan Manning's book, "Souvenirs of Solitude", and I know the Lord really led me to this book, because it talked to me exactly where I am. It spoke to my soul and helped me so much with my mind set.
In it he quotes a Jesuit priest, Alfred Delp, who was facing death in a Nazi concentration camp. Part of the quote was, "All things have a purpose and they help again and again to bring us back to our Father." Everything in my life is designed to bring me closer to God, whether it is a good thing or a difficult thing. It is easy to go to God when things are hard, but how often I forget to go to Him with my joy!
As I have watched and played with my children this week I have noticed how many times they ask me to watch them do things...how many times they exclaim over a discovery. I think about how much joy it brings me when they do this. I need to have this attitude with God.
God finds joy in me! I am His creation! He created me for a relationship with Himself!!

"And Father, make me life
your rainbow.
Let me
reflect
the spectrum
of your love."

Brennan Manning

Something to Share

I read this this morning in my devotions and just wanted to share!

“Lord, I think maybe you’re getting me accustomed to the idea that I am not an archangel.
Or course you know that I’m not and I know I’m not. But I must admit that periodically I try to behave as though I were. And most of my problems seem to stem directly from that fact.
I’d like to think that I’m perfect; with no limitations, impure motives, human weaknesses; everything under control and all together. And every time I catch myself thinking and behaving that way life becomes not just burdensome but horrendous.
Lord, thank you for letting me know that I’m not perfect yet but that you’ll get me there if I let You. Thank you for reminding me that I’ll never have it all together until we meet face to face.
Lord do archangels need you as much as I do?
Father, thank you for setting me free. Free to be poor, little, weak. Thank you for setting me free. Free to be misunderstood, rejected, forgotten.
Thank you for setting me free. Free to be unsatisfied, empty, stripped.
Thank you for setting me free. Free to break though, let go, enter the flame.
Father, thank you for setting me free by binding me more closely to Yourself!”

Brennan Manning “Souvenirs of Solitude”

A Personal Struggle

I have really struggled with how to post this week, because I am going through an inward battle.
My well laid plans have taken kind of a detour over the past week. This month was supposed to have "fun" as the focus, and really it has been anything but fun. It has been filled with fear, frustration, insecurity and just all around "yucky" feelings.
I am a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I hold myself to a very high standard, and tend to be very hard on myself when I don't meet that standard.
As a mother, I feel as though I never meet my standard. I am constantly second guessing myself and beating myself up when I feel like I have failed my children. The picture in my head of what I want to be like is a far cry from reality.
This past week my 14 month old daughter got seriously ill. Her temperature went from normal to 103.2 in the space of ten minutes. Because of this she had a seizure, and had to be rushed to the hospital for a 24 hour stay. It turned out she has a kidney infection.
Now in my head I know that there was no way I could have known what was going on, in my head I know I did everything I could to ensure the safety and health of my baby girl. But there is the other part of me who feels horribly guilty for not knowing my baby girl was so sick. I feel like there was a sign somewhere that I missed.
Right now I feel like I am broken. All I can see are my inadequacy's. I am feeling terrified that I am not up to the challenge of being a mother.
I fell like I am on a precipice. I feel like I am completely broken down. I am feeling that God is calling me to get to know Him better. I feel like God is calling to me to bathe in His forgiveness, and in doing so be able to forgive myself. I continually beat myself up for mistakes I have made in the past.
I am reading a book from one of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning. It is called "Souvenirs in Solitude: Finding Rest in Abba's Embrace". In it he quotes Francis MacNutt, "If the Lord Jesus Christ has washed you in His own blood and forgiven you all your sins, how dare you refuse to forgive yourself.?"
I wish I could tell you that I knew exactly how I was going to be able to work through this, but I don't. I don't have a 5 step plan or even a 500 step plan. I do know that I am going to have to take it day by day, and moment by moment. I am going to have to put aside my pride and my controlling nature. I am going to have to be open to change....which is not something I like. I have to give myself over completely to the Creator of the Universe. Max Lucado once wrote about being on the anvil of God. He said that it is painful, but that we can find comfort in the fact that while on the anvil, the blacksmith is right there. The blacksmith is in control and nothing goes on that the blacksmith isn't aware of.
I know when I first started this "Happiness Project" I never thought that the project would include going through such a change...but I know this is worth it. Not only for myself, but for my children.

Its a Good Day

Yesterday on my way to an appointment I popped in a CD that I hadn't listen to for quite awhile. It was FFH's album "Ready to Fly".
It was the perfect thing to lift my mood, because to be perfectly honest, yesterday was not the best. I just felt like a couldn't lift myself from the funk that I was in!
Then this song came on:

"However long our feet have walked on this world
We've all lived long enough to know
That sometimes life will go our way
And other times it won't
But still I've got this joy inside of me
With each new dawn I do believe to

Say hey, it's a good day
Even if things aren't going my way
Jesus is Lord and I am saved
So, say hey, it's a good day

Circumstance and situations change
You know life can turn on a dime
But there's a constant hope and peace
That I have come to find
And it's all because of who God is
And that He is live and I am His, so

We are all as happy as we make our minds up to be
I have just decided that nothing's gonna take this joy from me"

It broke everything down to the basics....no matter what circumstances are going on, no matter how cranky I am or how fussy my children are...it is a good day!

So today the chorus is my mantra. "Jesus is Lord and I am saved, so, say hey, its a good day!"

Determining in My Heart

If I was to use a word to sum up last week, it would not be "fun". It seemed like everything was working against me. Reagan was teething, allergies hit everyone and Andrew dislocated his shoulder AGAIN!!!
There was one point in the week that I seriously wanted to crawl into a cave and just wallow. A pity party was starting in full swing.
But I took a minute to stop and make my heart quiet before God. A friend of mine posted a prayer that was so beautiful, I immediately printed out a copy.

Nothing, O Lord is liker to Thy holy nature than the mind that is settled in quietness.
Thou hast called us into the quietness and peace of Thine,
from out of the turmoils of this world, as it were,
from out of storms into a haven;
which is such a peace as the world cannot give,
and as passeth all capacity of man.
Grant now,
O most merciful Father, that,
through Thine exceeding goodness,
our minds may yield themselves obedient unto Thee
without striving;
and that they may quietly rise into that sovereign rest of Thine above.
Grant that nothing may disturb or disquiet them here beneath;
but that all things may be quiet and calm through that peace of Thine.
Amen

I decided that before I could concentrate on having fun, I needed a moment of quiet. So I put together a corner of the dining room as my quiet space.


Even if I don't have time to sit in it, I can glance at it and it brings me back to a quiet heart. I started realizing that one of the reasons I struggle with fun is because there is so much going on in my mind. I concentrate on so many things, that I don't really need to concentrate on. Looking at that corner is a reminder that I need to keep my priorities in check.
So once my mind was quiet I decided to "force fun". No, I wasn't feeling it at first, but I took the kids to the park. Watching them play I began to loosen up and realizing that watching my children play is fun for me. I have also been taking alot of pictures. Being behind the lens of my camera is also fun for me, and when I can combine those two things.....it is wonderful!




Spending time outside, exploring spring!!



Taking this picture was alot of fun!!! She was laughing the entire time!



An artistic moment at the fountain!