A Personal Struggle

I have really struggled with how to post this week, because I am going through an inward battle.
My well laid plans have taken kind of a detour over the past week. This month was supposed to have "fun" as the focus, and really it has been anything but fun. It has been filled with fear, frustration, insecurity and just all around "yucky" feelings.
I am a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I hold myself to a very high standard, and tend to be very hard on myself when I don't meet that standard.
As a mother, I feel as though I never meet my standard. I am constantly second guessing myself and beating myself up when I feel like I have failed my children. The picture in my head of what I want to be like is a far cry from reality.
This past week my 14 month old daughter got seriously ill. Her temperature went from normal to 103.2 in the space of ten minutes. Because of this she had a seizure, and had to be rushed to the hospital for a 24 hour stay. It turned out she has a kidney infection.
Now in my head I know that there was no way I could have known what was going on, in my head I know I did everything I could to ensure the safety and health of my baby girl. But there is the other part of me who feels horribly guilty for not knowing my baby girl was so sick. I feel like there was a sign somewhere that I missed.
Right now I feel like I am broken. All I can see are my inadequacy's. I am feeling terrified that I am not up to the challenge of being a mother.
I fell like I am on a precipice. I feel like I am completely broken down. I am feeling that God is calling me to get to know Him better. I feel like God is calling to me to bathe in His forgiveness, and in doing so be able to forgive myself. I continually beat myself up for mistakes I have made in the past.
I am reading a book from one of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning. It is called "Souvenirs in Solitude: Finding Rest in Abba's Embrace". In it he quotes Francis MacNutt, "If the Lord Jesus Christ has washed you in His own blood and forgiven you all your sins, how dare you refuse to forgive yourself.?"
I wish I could tell you that I knew exactly how I was going to be able to work through this, but I don't. I don't have a 5 step plan or even a 500 step plan. I do know that I am going to have to take it day by day, and moment by moment. I am going to have to put aside my pride and my controlling nature. I am going to have to be open to change....which is not something I like. I have to give myself over completely to the Creator of the Universe. Max Lucado once wrote about being on the anvil of God. He said that it is painful, but that we can find comfort in the fact that while on the anvil, the blacksmith is right there. The blacksmith is in control and nothing goes on that the blacksmith isn't aware of.
I know when I first started this "Happiness Project" I never thought that the project would include going through such a change...but I know this is worth it. Not only for myself, but for my children.