I have decided that trying to keep up with three different blogs was just too much! So I have decided to cut it down to one. I will still share recipes, but there will be other things as well.
http://beautifulirish-myworld.blogspot.com/ Here is the link, come follow!!!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Change of Plans
August was going to be my month to work of our finances. I had it all planned out, but then God stepped in.
God showed me that I needed to work on forgiveness this month. Through personal circumstances, followed by a very compelling sermon made me realize that forgiveness is the key to living a fulfilled life. Unforgiveness keeps you chained down in the past.
I want to share my notes from the sermon, because it really spoke to me. The pastor had three points, forgiving yourself, forging others and forgiving God.
The first two are not new concepts. The one that really spoke to me was the idea of forgiving God. We have to remember that God is not intimidated by our emotions, my thoughts or my feelings. And the idea of forgiving God doesn't mean that God was wrong. Forgiving frees you of being bitter. And I honestly believe that bitterness is one of Satan's biggest tools to distract us from being focused on accomplishing His will.
Sometimes things happen in our life that we don't understand. But God understands that. He created us, so He knows our limitations, He knows that we don't see the big picture. And for us to be honest with Him, to share our feelings will bring us to a deeper relationship with Him.
The other hard thing for me to do is forgive myself. I know that I hold myself to a high standard, too high. Not forgiving yourself is a form of conceit. It is basically saying, "Yes God, Your Son's sacrifice was good enough payment for my sins for you,but not for me." That sounds harsh,but really that is what it is. We all need to "get over" ourselves. Not being able to forgive ourselves is also a tool for Satan. It traps us in the past, and we can't live fully in the present.
When it comes to forgiving others it is easier for me to do that when that person asks for forgiveness. Not forgiving others is almost a sick form of power. You feel like you own that person, when in actuality they most likely don't know you are harboring unforgiveness. Again, it only holds you down.
So this month is another big challenge for me. I am looking forward to God working with me on all aspects of forgiveness, but I know it will be a battle.
God showed me that I needed to work on forgiveness this month. Through personal circumstances, followed by a very compelling sermon made me realize that forgiveness is the key to living a fulfilled life. Unforgiveness keeps you chained down in the past.
I want to share my notes from the sermon, because it really spoke to me. The pastor had three points, forgiving yourself, forging others and forgiving God.
The first two are not new concepts. The one that really spoke to me was the idea of forgiving God. We have to remember that God is not intimidated by our emotions, my thoughts or my feelings. And the idea of forgiving God doesn't mean that God was wrong. Forgiving frees you of being bitter. And I honestly believe that bitterness is one of Satan's biggest tools to distract us from being focused on accomplishing His will.
Sometimes things happen in our life that we don't understand. But God understands that. He created us, so He knows our limitations, He knows that we don't see the big picture. And for us to be honest with Him, to share our feelings will bring us to a deeper relationship with Him.
The other hard thing for me to do is forgive myself. I know that I hold myself to a high standard, too high. Not forgiving yourself is a form of conceit. It is basically saying, "Yes God, Your Son's sacrifice was good enough payment for my sins for you,but not for me." That sounds harsh,but really that is what it is. We all need to "get over" ourselves. Not being able to forgive ourselves is also a tool for Satan. It traps us in the past, and we can't live fully in the present.
When it comes to forgiving others it is easier for me to do that when that person asks for forgiveness. Not forgiving others is almost a sick form of power. You feel like you own that person, when in actuality they most likely don't know you are harboring unforgiveness. Again, it only holds you down.
So this month is another big challenge for me. I am looking forward to God working with me on all aspects of forgiveness, but I know it will be a battle.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Under Construction
Have you ever had a week that kinda shakes you down to your core? A week where you come face to face with the person you have become, a week where you turn your eyes to heaven and give yourself wholly to God.
That was the kind of week I had.
Lately my life has been very busy. Between having my mom visit, my step daughter visit, multiple family gatherings, and just regular life I haven't had much time to "be still".
This week, my husband was TDY, and through a bunch of different circumstances my very full week became very empty.
It became a week where I had lots of quiet time in which to reflect and just sit and listen to God.
Some of the things He told me were hard to hear. They required me to come out of my comfort zone and deal with things that I had done that had hurt other people. Wednesday was a day spent in tears as I saw my brokenness. I saw my shortcomings, my faults and my sin.
Thursday though, was a day of joy. Thursday God showed me how He sees me. He doesn't see the brokenness, He doesn't see my faults. He sees me through the blood of His son. He sees me as a princess. He loves me.
Psalm 51 has been my prayer this week.
Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
I am thankful that God is more patient with me than I am with myself. There is a song we used to sing in Sunday School. The chorus is:
He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.
I am thankful that my God knows me. He knows what I struggle with, He knows my ability. And even though He asks me to do somethings that the human in me doesn't want to do, I know that He will give me the strength, the wisdom and the guidance to do His will.
So there are changes that need to be made in my life. There are habits I need to break and new habits I need to start, but step by step my God will lead me. I just need to follow.
Monday, July 25, 2011
It's All About Love
There is an old DC Talk song called "Love is a Verb". When I was younger I loved that song, and it made perfect sense to me, if you love someone you show it!
However, recently, in my adult life the act of loving hasn't always been the easiest thing. The word gets tossed around in this culture, it is used for everything from things we eat, to the people that our in our lives.
May was supposed to be my month to find a church, but different things got in the way, and I didn't end up finding a church. My mom came to visit this month, and she is more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would drag her along.
I have attended for three weeks now and each week it was like the pastor was preaching right at me, and it has been all about love.
One of the points that really hit me was that God calls us to love one another...that is it...not change each other, not judge each other, not love only the loveable. GOD is in charge of changing, GOD is the ultimate judge, and lets face it if GOD only loved the loveable, none of us would be loved by Him!
Of all the words used to describe God, I John 4:8 states that God is love. Love is the driving force behind God's wonderful grace. It, simply stated, is what makes God tick.
It sounds so simple, but acting in love takes a moment my moment dedication.
I got to practice this concept on Friday night. I ran into a person who last year caused my closest friends alot of pain. Part of me wanted to call her out on the carpet, and accuse her, point the finger and her, and basically make her feel like she made my friends feel. But I stopped, prayed, treated her with love. I chatted for a second, asked how her kids were and that was about it. It all comes down to the good ol' WWJD!
Yesterday's sermon brought me to tears. There were alot of great points, but the one that really hit home is the fact that Jesus wants me to come to Him just the way I am. I don't have to wait until I am perfect to come to Him, I don't have to wait until I get my life where I want it to be, or until my marriage or children are perfect, He wants me now. He wants me tired, run down, empty. He wants my anger, my sadness and my confusion. He wants me to come to Him like that because He loves me, because that in Him are the answers to all those things that I see as imperfections in myself.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
This year has challenged me beyond anything before in my life. It has stretched me, it has broken me down. But Jesus has heard my pleas, listened to my rantings and held me up when I had no strength.
But most of all He has shown me love. He has gathered me in His arms. He hasn't held my past against me, He loves me for who I am now.
Having that kind of love given so freely to me, how can I not turn around and show that to others?
However, recently, in my adult life the act of loving hasn't always been the easiest thing. The word gets tossed around in this culture, it is used for everything from things we eat, to the people that our in our lives.
May was supposed to be my month to find a church, but different things got in the way, and I didn't end up finding a church. My mom came to visit this month, and she is more outgoing than I am, so I figured I would drag her along.
I have attended for three weeks now and each week it was like the pastor was preaching right at me, and it has been all about love.
One of the points that really hit me was that God calls us to love one another...that is it...not change each other, not judge each other, not love only the loveable. GOD is in charge of changing, GOD is the ultimate judge, and lets face it if GOD only loved the loveable, none of us would be loved by Him!
Of all the words used to describe God, I John 4:8 states that God is love. Love is the driving force behind God's wonderful grace. It, simply stated, is what makes God tick.
It sounds so simple, but acting in love takes a moment my moment dedication.
I got to practice this concept on Friday night. I ran into a person who last year caused my closest friends alot of pain. Part of me wanted to call her out on the carpet, and accuse her, point the finger and her, and basically make her feel like she made my friends feel. But I stopped, prayed, treated her with love. I chatted for a second, asked how her kids were and that was about it. It all comes down to the good ol' WWJD!
Yesterday's sermon brought me to tears. There were alot of great points, but the one that really hit home is the fact that Jesus wants me to come to Him just the way I am. I don't have to wait until I am perfect to come to Him, I don't have to wait until I get my life where I want it to be, or until my marriage or children are perfect, He wants me now. He wants me tired, run down, empty. He wants my anger, my sadness and my confusion. He wants me to come to Him like that because He loves me, because that in Him are the answers to all those things that I see as imperfections in myself.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
This year has challenged me beyond anything before in my life. It has stretched me, it has broken me down. But Jesus has heard my pleas, listened to my rantings and held me up when I had no strength.
But most of all He has shown me love. He has gathered me in His arms. He hasn't held my past against me, He loves me for who I am now.
Having that kind of love given so freely to me, how can I not turn around and show that to others?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
My Goals for July...A Few Days Late!!
June flew by! I did well on my de-cluttering, but still have a ways to go. The garage is still the bane of my existence! It is just so easy to close the door and forget about it!
July is supposed to my month to either finish my unfinished projects or get rid of them. It goes well with the left over de-cluttering that I have to do.
July is going to also be my month to get back to the way I was in February, before all the craziness with Reagan started. It has been nine weeks now since her last seizure and I feel like both her and I are starting to get back to "normal".
After her incident I stopped working out and I stopped caring about what I was eating. Because of that I have put on all the weight I had lost. I started working out last week and have actually lost a pound! Baby steps..right?
I also went to see my doctor to kind of check in and make sure that physically I am ok. My thyroid is a little wonky, so we are fixing that.
I am also going to church this Sunday for the first time in a very long time. While my relationship with God is better than it has been in years, I feel like I need to get back into a fellowship.
Over all I feel like I am coming out of a fog.
My little girl, happy, healthy and full of life!
July is supposed to my month to either finish my unfinished projects or get rid of them. It goes well with the left over de-cluttering that I have to do.
July is going to also be my month to get back to the way I was in February, before all the craziness with Reagan started. It has been nine weeks now since her last seizure and I feel like both her and I are starting to get back to "normal".
After her incident I stopped working out and I stopped caring about what I was eating. Because of that I have put on all the weight I had lost. I started working out last week and have actually lost a pound! Baby steps..right?
I also went to see my doctor to kind of check in and make sure that physically I am ok. My thyroid is a little wonky, so we are fixing that.
I am also going to church this Sunday for the first time in a very long time. While my relationship with God is better than it has been in years, I feel like I need to get back into a fellowship.
Over all I feel like I am coming out of a fog.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Coming Clean
I have put off posting to this blog this week because honestly, I didn't know what exactly I wanted to say.
Because I thought this month was going to be easy...I thought getting rid of clutter would be a piece of cake. What I didn't realize was the God was going to work on spiritual and emotional clutter as well.
I am doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. I have been doing it for a little over a month, I have completed the introduction as well as the section on love. It was great, I loved it. I felt convicted over some things and made some changes...all was good. And then I started the section on joy.
I feel like I have hit a wall.
It has made me realize that I am not a very "joyful" person. To me the idea of joy and even happiness come with an abandonment that I am just not comfortable with. I like control, I like knowing what is coming, and having a plan for whatever that is. To me joy isn't "logical". God has given us so many reasons to be joyful, why can't I seem to "tap" into that?
I know that sounds horrible. I have always seen joy as one of the "lesser" fruits of the spirit. I almost see it as something you outgrow.
Well, God is making me come face to face with this. It is almost like He is mimicking my husband, who always says, "why don't you like fun?"
God is making me realize that I need joy in my life. That my life as both a human and as a spiritual person isn't complete without joy. And to be very honest the idea is both invigorating and terrifying.
I long to live a joyful life, I long to be more free and have a certain level of abandonment. What is scary to me is the fact that I can't come up with a plan for that! (which I know defeats the purpose of living life with abandonment):)
So this is something I am working on, and I think it is going to have me learning lessons from my children...because they certainly live life with joy and abandon. They know I love them, they just enjoy things! I know my heavenly Father loves me, I need to start enjoying things.
One of the major obstacles has been the fact that I am still dealing with the terror of what happened with Reagan. I know it has been six weeks, but it is still terrifying. Anytime she starts getting upset I flash back to that day. I am terrified that she is going to get sick, and have another seizure. I feel like I have been surviving, but not thriving. Again, I can't come up with a plan to get over this. I don't like living life in fear, and while the fear has lessened in alot of aspects it still lurks. This fear is creeping into every aspect of my life, affecting other relationships within my family, it has to go! It is exhausting and draining. I have become a "yelly" mom again, and I really don't like it.
So all that being said, it is time for me to take a deep breath. It is time for me to realize that God is good, and that joy is founded in Him, not circumstances. Circumstances change, God doesn't, so there is ALWAYS a reason for joy. I am just so thankful that I serve a God who knows my limitations, He knows what I am striving for and is so forgiving about me messing up and having to pick myself up and start over!
These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
—John 15:11
Because I thought this month was going to be easy...I thought getting rid of clutter would be a piece of cake. What I didn't realize was the God was going to work on spiritual and emotional clutter as well.
I am doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. I have been doing it for a little over a month, I have completed the introduction as well as the section on love. It was great, I loved it. I felt convicted over some things and made some changes...all was good. And then I started the section on joy.
I feel like I have hit a wall.
It has made me realize that I am not a very "joyful" person. To me the idea of joy and even happiness come with an abandonment that I am just not comfortable with. I like control, I like knowing what is coming, and having a plan for whatever that is. To me joy isn't "logical". God has given us so many reasons to be joyful, why can't I seem to "tap" into that?
I know that sounds horrible. I have always seen joy as one of the "lesser" fruits of the spirit. I almost see it as something you outgrow.
Well, God is making me come face to face with this. It is almost like He is mimicking my husband, who always says, "why don't you like fun?"
God is making me realize that I need joy in my life. That my life as both a human and as a spiritual person isn't complete without joy. And to be very honest the idea is both invigorating and terrifying.
I long to live a joyful life, I long to be more free and have a certain level of abandonment. What is scary to me is the fact that I can't come up with a plan for that! (which I know defeats the purpose of living life with abandonment):)
So this is something I am working on, and I think it is going to have me learning lessons from my children...because they certainly live life with joy and abandon. They know I love them, they just enjoy things! I know my heavenly Father loves me, I need to start enjoying things.
One of the major obstacles has been the fact that I am still dealing with the terror of what happened with Reagan. I know it has been six weeks, but it is still terrifying. Anytime she starts getting upset I flash back to that day. I am terrified that she is going to get sick, and have another seizure. I feel like I have been surviving, but not thriving. Again, I can't come up with a plan to get over this. I don't like living life in fear, and while the fear has lessened in alot of aspects it still lurks. This fear is creeping into every aspect of my life, affecting other relationships within my family, it has to go! It is exhausting and draining. I have become a "yelly" mom again, and I really don't like it.
So all that being said, it is time for me to take a deep breath. It is time for me to realize that God is good, and that joy is founded in Him, not circumstances. Circumstances change, God doesn't, so there is ALWAYS a reason for joy. I am just so thankful that I serve a God who knows my limitations, He knows what I am striving for and is so forgiving about me messing up and having to pick myself up and start over!
These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
—John 15:11
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A Fresh Start In June
"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know
to be useful or believe to be beautiful."
William Morris
The above quote is my goal for June. While I don't need to be on "Hoarders" or "Clean House" I do need to get rid of some clutter.The past few months my focus has been on things that I need to change inwardly, so I am really looking forward to June because it is my month to PURGE!!!!
I don't like clutter, at all. It makes me stressed and anxious. Clutter does not make me happy! So in my quest to become a happier person, clutter has to go! Walking thru my house you might not notice the clutter, but it is there. In closets, in drawers, and in the garage (the black hole).
My problem comes when I just have to break down and get rid of things that we have spent money on. I feel wasteful, even if we have more than gotten our money out of it!
As I am looking around I realize that there are boxes that haven't been fully unpacked since we live in Arizona. I realize that there are things that might have come out of boxes, but that I haven't used. Or things that just aren't practical or meaningful for us now.
My goal is to make my way through the house. Today I completed my son's room, worked on both of my daughters room and by doing that threw away three bags of trash, and found alot of things that I can sell online.
I am dreading attacking the garage because that has been my clutter "excuse". I haven't tackled it because it was supposed to be my dear hubbby's job, but not alot of the clutter is my clutter, so I will have to just tackle it!
My son's room after a much needed "decluttering"!
My pile of "sale" stuff so far...I may need to have a yardsale!
to be useful or believe to be beautiful."
William Morris
The above quote is my goal for June. While I don't need to be on "Hoarders" or "Clean House" I do need to get rid of some clutter.The past few months my focus has been on things that I need to change inwardly, so I am really looking forward to June because it is my month to PURGE!!!!
I don't like clutter, at all. It makes me stressed and anxious. Clutter does not make me happy! So in my quest to become a happier person, clutter has to go! Walking thru my house you might not notice the clutter, but it is there. In closets, in drawers, and in the garage (the black hole).
My problem comes when I just have to break down and get rid of things that we have spent money on. I feel wasteful, even if we have more than gotten our money out of it!
As I am looking around I realize that there are boxes that haven't been fully unpacked since we live in Arizona. I realize that there are things that might have come out of boxes, but that I haven't used. Or things that just aren't practical or meaningful for us now.
My goal is to make my way through the house. Today I completed my son's room, worked on both of my daughters room and by doing that threw away three bags of trash, and found alot of things that I can sell online.
I am dreading attacking the garage because that has been my clutter "excuse". I haven't tackled it because it was supposed to be my dear hubbby's job, but not alot of the clutter is my clutter, so I will have to just tackle it!
My son's room after a much needed "decluttering"!
My pile of "sale" stuff so far...I may need to have a yardsale!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Summing up May
On The Anvil by Max Lucado
With a strong forearm, the apron-clad blacksmith puts his tongs into the fire, grasps the heated metal, and places it on the anvil. His keen eye examines the glowing piece. He sees what the tool is now and envisions what he wants it to be--sharper, flatter, wider, longer. With a clear picture in his mind, he begins to pound. His left hand still clutching the hot mass with the tongs, his right hand slams the two-pound sledge upon the moldable metal.
On the solid anvil, the smoldering iron is remolded.
The smith knows the type of instrument he wants. He knows the size. He knows the shape. He knows the strength.
Whang! Whang! The hammer slams. The shop rings with the noise, the air fills with smoke, and the softened metal responds.
But the response doesn't come easily. It doesn't come without discomfort. To melt down the old and recast it as new is a disrupting process. Yet the metal remains on the anvil, allowing the toolmaker to remove the scars, repair the cracks, refill the voids, and purge the impurities.
And with time, a change occurs: What was dull becomes sharpened, what was crooked becomes straight, what was weak becomes strong, and what was useless becomes valuable.
Then the blacksmith stops. He ceases his pounding and sets down his hammer. With a strong left arm, he lifts the tongs until the freshly molded metal is at eye level. In the still silence, he examines the smoking tool. The incandescent implement is rotated and examined for any mars or cracks.
There are none.
Now the smith enters the final stage of his task. He plunges the smoldering instrument into a nearby bucket of water. With a hiss and a rush of steam, the metal immediately begins to harden. The heat surrenders to the onslaught of cool water, and the pliable, soft mineral becomes an unbending useful tool.
"For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
(I Peter 1:6-7)
From On the Anvil: Max Lucado
Stories On Being Shaped Into God's Image
The image of being on an anvil was never far from my mind this month. I had in my head what the month where I was going to focus on my relationship with the Lord was going to look like. It was a peaceful calm path...this month has been anything but.
In this month I have struggled more than I think I have ever struggled in my life! I have dealt with fear, anxiety, despair and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and wondering where I was going to get the strength to take the next step.
God has showed Himself faithful. The strength was always there for that next step. He was always there with me. I am reminded of the "Footprints in the Sand" poem, and I know He did alot of carrying this month.
Psalm 23 became real to me, "yea tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me." When I saw my daughter lying sedated and intubated, I have to admit my faith was small. I couldn't even put words to the prayers I was sending up to God. But during my helicopter ride I felt a peace that I have never felt before, yes I was still scared, yes I was anxious and wanting answers, but over all I knew that God was in control, that we were being held in the palm of His hand. I knew that even though I couldn't put words to my prayers there were hundreds of other people who were lifting us up in prayer. I knew that none of this surprised God. Those were the things I had to hold on to.
I have started a Beth Moore Bible study this month, and today's study was talking about the victory we have in the spirit. The victory is there! I don't need to worry about being defeated!
So this month was hard and terrifying, but hopeful it has made me a sharper tool to be used for God's glory!
With a strong forearm, the apron-clad blacksmith puts his tongs into the fire, grasps the heated metal, and places it on the anvil. His keen eye examines the glowing piece. He sees what the tool is now and envisions what he wants it to be--sharper, flatter, wider, longer. With a clear picture in his mind, he begins to pound. His left hand still clutching the hot mass with the tongs, his right hand slams the two-pound sledge upon the moldable metal.
On the solid anvil, the smoldering iron is remolded.
The smith knows the type of instrument he wants. He knows the size. He knows the shape. He knows the strength.
Whang! Whang! The hammer slams. The shop rings with the noise, the air fills with smoke, and the softened metal responds.
But the response doesn't come easily. It doesn't come without discomfort. To melt down the old and recast it as new is a disrupting process. Yet the metal remains on the anvil, allowing the toolmaker to remove the scars, repair the cracks, refill the voids, and purge the impurities.
And with time, a change occurs: What was dull becomes sharpened, what was crooked becomes straight, what was weak becomes strong, and what was useless becomes valuable.
Then the blacksmith stops. He ceases his pounding and sets down his hammer. With a strong left arm, he lifts the tongs until the freshly molded metal is at eye level. In the still silence, he examines the smoking tool. The incandescent implement is rotated and examined for any mars or cracks.
There are none.
Now the smith enters the final stage of his task. He plunges the smoldering instrument into a nearby bucket of water. With a hiss and a rush of steam, the metal immediately begins to harden. The heat surrenders to the onslaught of cool water, and the pliable, soft mineral becomes an unbending useful tool.
"For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
(I Peter 1:6-7)
From On the Anvil: Max Lucado
Stories On Being Shaped Into God's Image
The image of being on an anvil was never far from my mind this month. I had in my head what the month where I was going to focus on my relationship with the Lord was going to look like. It was a peaceful calm path...this month has been anything but.
In this month I have struggled more than I think I have ever struggled in my life! I have dealt with fear, anxiety, despair and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and wondering where I was going to get the strength to take the next step.
God has showed Himself faithful. The strength was always there for that next step. He was always there with me. I am reminded of the "Footprints in the Sand" poem, and I know He did alot of carrying this month.
Psalm 23 became real to me, "yea tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me." When I saw my daughter lying sedated and intubated, I have to admit my faith was small. I couldn't even put words to the prayers I was sending up to God. But during my helicopter ride I felt a peace that I have never felt before, yes I was still scared, yes I was anxious and wanting answers, but over all I knew that God was in control, that we were being held in the palm of His hand. I knew that even though I couldn't put words to my prayers there were hundreds of other people who were lifting us up in prayer. I knew that none of this surprised God. Those were the things I had to hold on to.
I have started a Beth Moore Bible study this month, and today's study was talking about the victory we have in the spirit. The victory is there! I don't need to worry about being defeated!
So this month was hard and terrifying, but hopeful it has made me a sharper tool to be used for God's glory!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A Constant Lesson
I think the biggest lesson I have learned this month is that my faith in God needs to be renewed every second, every day. That it is something that I need to guard.
After Reagan's seizure and hospitalization this month I am feeling like I am living with a time bomb, because we don't have answers yet. Anytime she acts in a way that she did that day, or if something happens out of the normal my heart starts to race and I start wondering, "will this bring on another seizure?"
This is an exhausting way to live! I don't like living in constant fear and foreboding. I know that this is not of God.
I am learning on a day to day basis, that God is powerful where I am powerless. I can't do anything to "fix" Reagan. I can be proactive and be a good steward of the information that we have, but honestly, my hands are tied, but God's aren't.
Whenever I start feeling afraid I remember that God loves my little girl even more than I do. That she is safe and secure in His hands. I just need to have peace in that, and when I start feeling fearful I have to give her back to God.
Last week was really difficult. I could feel myself sliding back into depression. I wanted to give up....but as a mom you can't! I am so thankful for my friends who listened to me, encouraged me and kept me going when I couldn't do it myself.
So this is a moment to moment battle. The things I know, the things I can hold onto are:
God is in control
God loves me and my children
My job is to obey
Nothing will happen to us that God isn't in complete control over
God won't give me more than I can handle
After Reagan's seizure and hospitalization this month I am feeling like I am living with a time bomb, because we don't have answers yet. Anytime she acts in a way that she did that day, or if something happens out of the normal my heart starts to race and I start wondering, "will this bring on another seizure?"
This is an exhausting way to live! I don't like living in constant fear and foreboding. I know that this is not of God.
I am learning on a day to day basis, that God is powerful where I am powerless. I can't do anything to "fix" Reagan. I can be proactive and be a good steward of the information that we have, but honestly, my hands are tied, but God's aren't.
Whenever I start feeling afraid I remember that God loves my little girl even more than I do. That she is safe and secure in His hands. I just need to have peace in that, and when I start feeling fearful I have to give her back to God.
Last week was really difficult. I could feel myself sliding back into depression. I wanted to give up....but as a mom you can't! I am so thankful for my friends who listened to me, encouraged me and kept me going when I couldn't do it myself.
So this is a moment to moment battle. The things I know, the things I can hold onto are:
God is in control
God loves me and my children
My job is to obey
Nothing will happen to us that God isn't in complete control over
God won't give me more than I can handle
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I May Have to Buy a Tiara!
As I stated in my previous post, May is the month I want to focus on my spiritual life.
After one of my favorite bloggers mentioned Beth Moore's study of the fruit of the Spirit, I decided to try the study.
Week 1 has been entitled "Free at Last". It has been all about letting go, which is something that I really struggle with. Today's study really spoke to me, the title, "Credited Righteousness".
In my head I have a list of what I call, "My Major Mistakes". It is a list that while I have asked forgiveness for, I still hold over my own head. I still beat myself up over these things on a daily basis.
The study points out that God never points out sin for the purpose of instilling hopelessness, guilt and poor self esteem, which is what I feel when I think about my "Major Mistakes".
So as I was finishing my study this morning I started making a mental list of the way God sees me.
- I am His daughter, and since He is the King that makes me a princess! (break out the tiara!)
- I am unique...He created me for a distinct purpose.
- I am made in His image
- I am pure...He sees me through the blood of Jesus
Does that the change the way I see myself...yes it does. Does it mean that I will still struggle with seeing my mistakes when I look at myself? Yes it does, but know I have ammunition when the lies start coming.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
After one of my favorite bloggers mentioned Beth Moore's study of the fruit of the Spirit, I decided to try the study.
Week 1 has been entitled "Free at Last". It has been all about letting go, which is something that I really struggle with. Today's study really spoke to me, the title, "Credited Righteousness".
In my head I have a list of what I call, "My Major Mistakes". It is a list that while I have asked forgiveness for, I still hold over my own head. I still beat myself up over these things on a daily basis.
The study points out that God never points out sin for the purpose of instilling hopelessness, guilt and poor self esteem, which is what I feel when I think about my "Major Mistakes".
So as I was finishing my study this morning I started making a mental list of the way God sees me.
- I am His daughter, and since He is the King that makes me a princess! (break out the tiara!)
- I am unique...He created me for a distinct purpose.
- I am made in His image
- I am pure...He sees me through the blood of Jesus
Does that the change the way I see myself...yes it does. Does it mean that I will still struggle with seeing my mistakes when I look at myself? Yes it does, but know I have ammunition when the lies start coming.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Miracles in May
At the beginning of the year I decided that May was going to be the month I really focused on improving my spiritual life. Last Monday I was going to sit down and write a thought provoking blog about how I was starting a new personal Bible study, and what my plans for this month entailed.
However, on Monday I experienced a miracle.
On Monday Reagan had another seizure. This was worse than last time. It didn't happen because of a fever, it was longer, and she actually experienced two seizures. She was given a ton of meds at Howard County Hospital and had to be intubated. We were flown to Children's in DC because Howard Country wasn't equipped to deal with the seriousness of her condition.
After multiple tests, including catscans, bloodwork, EEG and a spinal taps they still don't know why she had this seizure. In a few weeks we will have an MRI and they will try to find an answer.
But instead of dwelling on this, I am trying to focus on the fact that God gave us a miracle this past week. I have never prayed so hard and for awhile I was truly afraid that Reagan wasn't going to survive. It was like living through a horrible nightmare that you can't wake up from . My baby was lying there having to have a machine breathe for her. All I could pray was, "God, please let her live" over and over and over again...and He did.
The doctors expected that she would have mental or physical issues because of how long the second seizure lasted, but God intervened and other than a little weakness and unsteadiness she is back to her crazy self.
God's people, all over the world were praying for my little girl. While we were flying in the helicopter it was like I could feel God's presence in a very real way. I knew without a doubt that God was holding us in the palm of His hand.
Words can't even describe the thankfulness I feel. I truly feel undeserving, and completely humbled that God in His infinite grace chose to save my little girl.
2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I have never felt so weak, so helpless, but I found out that God's power is truly enough.
At this point I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if these seizures are going to be a regular occurrence. I just don't know, but I do know that whatever happens God's power will shine through. Yes, I am still having problems recovering from the stress of this week. My eyes are still puffy because of all the crying. I am still terrified that it will happen again. Having faith in God's power doesn't negate the human aspects, but I know that He knows that. He knows that I am still a mom and going to worry and cry. He knows that I am going to have my moments that I break down. But He also knows that underneath all the emotions that I trust Him. He knows that I believe that He holds both of my children in His hands.
My little girl home and happy!
However, on Monday I experienced a miracle.
On Monday Reagan had another seizure. This was worse than last time. It didn't happen because of a fever, it was longer, and she actually experienced two seizures. She was given a ton of meds at Howard County Hospital and had to be intubated. We were flown to Children's in DC because Howard Country wasn't equipped to deal with the seriousness of her condition.
After multiple tests, including catscans, bloodwork, EEG and a spinal taps they still don't know why she had this seizure. In a few weeks we will have an MRI and they will try to find an answer.
But instead of dwelling on this, I am trying to focus on the fact that God gave us a miracle this past week. I have never prayed so hard and for awhile I was truly afraid that Reagan wasn't going to survive. It was like living through a horrible nightmare that you can't wake up from . My baby was lying there having to have a machine breathe for her. All I could pray was, "God, please let her live" over and over and over again...and He did.
The doctors expected that she would have mental or physical issues because of how long the second seizure lasted, but God intervened and other than a little weakness and unsteadiness she is back to her crazy self.
God's people, all over the world were praying for my little girl. While we were flying in the helicopter it was like I could feel God's presence in a very real way. I knew without a doubt that God was holding us in the palm of His hand.
Words can't even describe the thankfulness I feel. I truly feel undeserving, and completely humbled that God in His infinite grace chose to save my little girl.
2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I have never felt so weak, so helpless, but I found out that God's power is truly enough.
At this point I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if these seizures are going to be a regular occurrence. I just don't know, but I do know that whatever happens God's power will shine through. Yes, I am still having problems recovering from the stress of this week. My eyes are still puffy because of all the crying. I am still terrified that it will happen again. Having faith in God's power doesn't negate the human aspects, but I know that He knows that. He knows that I am still a mom and going to worry and cry. He knows that I am going to have my moments that I break down. But He also knows that underneath all the emotions that I trust Him. He knows that I believe that He holds both of my children in His hands.
My little girl home and happy!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Having the Mindset of a Two Year Old
Last night I am not proud to admit that I had an attitude that would rival any "two year -older".
"Its not fair","I don't want to", and "Hummph" were the phrases going through my head. I literally wanted to stomp around the room, slamming doors and throwing things, ( I didn't by the way, but I really really wanted too!)
It was one of the nights that all military wives have, or at least I hope that I am not the only one, where the fact that what is going on in the rest of the world and the fact that is affects our day to day lives, is just a little hard to take.
What is really hard during these "tantrums" is the grown up voice inside my head is saying things like, "Now you know that your husband has an important job that affects millions", "Aren't you proud of the fact that your husband is a soldier?", and "There are so many people in harder situations than you."
To be a military wife you really get a lot of lessons in humility. You have to learn how to step gracefully aside for the greater good. You have to get used to family plans getting postponed, personal plans getting cancelled, and explaining to your children why Daddy isn't home for dinner...again. It can be tiring and draining.
But at the same time it is very rewarding. I know I always get a very proud feeling when I show my military ID. I love hearing my son tell people that his daddy is a hero. I am very grateful for the job security and health care that the military provides us. I love my military family and the support that they have given me.
So yes, the pros outweigh the cons, and my tantrum was short lived, after a snack of BBQ potato chips and an early bedtime things don't look so bad. And after drinking my cup of coffee this morning and sometime with the Lord, my trantrum is over and I am ready to put on my big girl panties once again and deal with it!
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Toxic Tongue
I don't really consider myself a political person. To be honest, until my husband joined the Army I didn't really follow politics at all. Now politics affect my daily life, and so I have started paying more attention.
What I have some to realize is that behind the politics are real people, with real feelings. While I realize that this is America and we all have the freedom to speak our mind and believe what we do, we need to be good stewards of this gift of freedom. Before you speak your mind about things that are going on, you need to ask yourself why you are voicing your opinion. Is it just to get attention? Is it just to make some noise?
Because the military is close to my heart I am going to use that as an example. Today my feelings got hurt by another persons opinion of what my husband as well as every other soldier stands for. While everyone has the right to think what they want to about the war, and recent military actions, remember the women who have lost husbands in these actions, the children who won't have their mommy's or daddy's come home for dinner. Remember that your quips, while exorcising your freedom, may hurt another person.
In getting back to basics, the idea of what comes out of my mouth has been forefront. The Bible has alot to say about this....one of my favorites is:
Ephesians 4:29
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
In our day to day activities we let things come out of our mouths that are toxic. While the saying goes, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", we all know that isn't true. We can all think back to something someone has said that has stuck with us and still brings about some pain.
So lets remember to guard our tongue, in all aspects of life.
What I have some to realize is that behind the politics are real people, with real feelings. While I realize that this is America and we all have the freedom to speak our mind and believe what we do, we need to be good stewards of this gift of freedom. Before you speak your mind about things that are going on, you need to ask yourself why you are voicing your opinion. Is it just to get attention? Is it just to make some noise?
Because the military is close to my heart I am going to use that as an example. Today my feelings got hurt by another persons opinion of what my husband as well as every other soldier stands for. While everyone has the right to think what they want to about the war, and recent military actions, remember the women who have lost husbands in these actions, the children who won't have their mommy's or daddy's come home for dinner. Remember that your quips, while exorcising your freedom, may hurt another person.
In getting back to basics, the idea of what comes out of my mouth has been forefront. The Bible has alot to say about this....one of my favorites is:
Ephesians 4:29
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
In our day to day activities we let things come out of our mouths that are toxic. While the saying goes, "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", we all know that isn't true. We can all think back to something someone has said that has stuck with us and still brings about some pain.
So lets remember to guard our tongue, in all aspects of life.
Friday, April 29, 2011
A Little Lighter Than Last Week
So this week has been a bit more fun than last week. While I am still struggling with some things inwardly, I have had more peace, wisdom and strength.
This week I have had some fun playing around with photoshop. As you all know I love photography, but learned on film, and this digital stuff is still new to me. I have had a good edition of photoshop for awhile, and knew the basics, I could change things into black and white and such, but this week I have made the time to explore and little more and had a lot of fun!
I finished reading Brennan Manning's book, "Souvenirs of Solitude", and I know the Lord really led me to this book, because it talked to me exactly where I am. It spoke to my soul and helped me so much with my mind set.
In it he quotes a Jesuit priest, Alfred Delp, who was facing death in a Nazi concentration camp. Part of the quote was, "All things have a purpose and they help again and again to bring us back to our Father." Everything in my life is designed to bring me closer to God, whether it is a good thing or a difficult thing. It is easy to go to God when things are hard, but how often I forget to go to Him with my joy!
As I have watched and played with my children this week I have noticed how many times they ask me to watch them do things...how many times they exclaim over a discovery. I think about how much joy it brings me when they do this. I need to have this attitude with God.
God finds joy in me! I am His creation! He created me for a relationship with Himself!!
"And Father, make me life
your rainbow.
Let me
reflect
the spectrum
of your love."
Brennan Manning
This week I have had some fun playing around with photoshop. As you all know I love photography, but learned on film, and this digital stuff is still new to me. I have had a good edition of photoshop for awhile, and knew the basics, I could change things into black and white and such, but this week I have made the time to explore and little more and had a lot of fun!
I finished reading Brennan Manning's book, "Souvenirs of Solitude", and I know the Lord really led me to this book, because it talked to me exactly where I am. It spoke to my soul and helped me so much with my mind set.
In it he quotes a Jesuit priest, Alfred Delp, who was facing death in a Nazi concentration camp. Part of the quote was, "All things have a purpose and they help again and again to bring us back to our Father." Everything in my life is designed to bring me closer to God, whether it is a good thing or a difficult thing. It is easy to go to God when things are hard, but how often I forget to go to Him with my joy!
As I have watched and played with my children this week I have noticed how many times they ask me to watch them do things...how many times they exclaim over a discovery. I think about how much joy it brings me when they do this. I need to have this attitude with God.
God finds joy in me! I am His creation! He created me for a relationship with Himself!!
"And Father, make me life
your rainbow.
Let me
reflect
the spectrum
of your love."
Brennan Manning
Friday, April 22, 2011
Something to Share
I read this this morning in my devotions and just wanted to share!
“Lord, I think maybe you’re getting me accustomed to the idea that I am not an archangel.
Or course you know that I’m not and I know I’m not. But I must admit that periodically I try to behave as though I were. And most of my problems seem to stem directly from that fact.
I’d like to think that I’m perfect; with no limitations, impure motives, human weaknesses; everything under control and all together. And every time I catch myself thinking and behaving that way life becomes not just burdensome but horrendous.
Lord, thank you for letting me know that I’m not perfect yet but that you’ll get me there if I let You. Thank you for reminding me that I’ll never have it all together until we meet face to face.
Lord do archangels need you as much as I do?
Father, thank you for setting me free. Free to be poor, little, weak. Thank you for setting me free. Free to be misunderstood, rejected, forgotten.
Thank you for setting me free. Free to be unsatisfied, empty, stripped.
Thank you for setting me free. Free to break though, let go, enter the flame.
Father, thank you for setting me free by binding me more closely to Yourself!”
Brennan Manning “Souvenirs of Solitude”
“Lord, I think maybe you’re getting me accustomed to the idea that I am not an archangel.
Or course you know that I’m not and I know I’m not. But I must admit that periodically I try to behave as though I were. And most of my problems seem to stem directly from that fact.
I’d like to think that I’m perfect; with no limitations, impure motives, human weaknesses; everything under control and all together. And every time I catch myself thinking and behaving that way life becomes not just burdensome but horrendous.
Lord, thank you for letting me know that I’m not perfect yet but that you’ll get me there if I let You. Thank you for reminding me that I’ll never have it all together until we meet face to face.
Lord do archangels need you as much as I do?
Father, thank you for setting me free. Free to be poor, little, weak. Thank you for setting me free. Free to be misunderstood, rejected, forgotten.
Thank you for setting me free. Free to be unsatisfied, empty, stripped.
Thank you for setting me free. Free to break though, let go, enter the flame.
Father, thank you for setting me free by binding me more closely to Yourself!”
Brennan Manning “Souvenirs of Solitude”
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A Personal Struggle
I have really struggled with how to post this week, because I am going through an inward battle.
My well laid plans have taken kind of a detour over the past week. This month was supposed to have "fun" as the focus, and really it has been anything but fun. It has been filled with fear, frustration, insecurity and just all around "yucky" feelings.
I am a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I hold myself to a very high standard, and tend to be very hard on myself when I don't meet that standard.
As a mother, I feel as though I never meet my standard. I am constantly second guessing myself and beating myself up when I feel like I have failed my children. The picture in my head of what I want to be like is a far cry from reality.
This past week my 14 month old daughter got seriously ill. Her temperature went from normal to 103.2 in the space of ten minutes. Because of this she had a seizure, and had to be rushed to the hospital for a 24 hour stay. It turned out she has a kidney infection.
Now in my head I know that there was no way I could have known what was going on, in my head I know I did everything I could to ensure the safety and health of my baby girl. But there is the other part of me who feels horribly guilty for not knowing my baby girl was so sick. I feel like there was a sign somewhere that I missed.
Right now I feel like I am broken. All I can see are my inadequacy's. I am feeling terrified that I am not up to the challenge of being a mother.
I fell like I am on a precipice. I feel like I am completely broken down. I am feeling that God is calling me to get to know Him better. I feel like God is calling to me to bathe in His forgiveness, and in doing so be able to forgive myself. I continually beat myself up for mistakes I have made in the past.
I am reading a book from one of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning. It is called "Souvenirs in Solitude: Finding Rest in Abba's Embrace". In it he quotes Francis MacNutt, "If the Lord Jesus Christ has washed you in His own blood and forgiven you all your sins, how dare you refuse to forgive yourself.?"
I wish I could tell you that I knew exactly how I was going to be able to work through this, but I don't. I don't have a 5 step plan or even a 500 step plan. I do know that I am going to have to take it day by day, and moment by moment. I am going to have to put aside my pride and my controlling nature. I am going to have to be open to change....which is not something I like. I have to give myself over completely to the Creator of the Universe. Max Lucado once wrote about being on the anvil of God. He said that it is painful, but that we can find comfort in the fact that while on the anvil, the blacksmith is right there. The blacksmith is in control and nothing goes on that the blacksmith isn't aware of.
I know when I first started this "Happiness Project" I never thought that the project would include going through such a change...but I know this is worth it. Not only for myself, but for my children.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Its a Good Day
Yesterday on my way to an appointment I popped in a CD that I hadn't listen to for quite awhile. It was FFH's album "Ready to Fly".
It was the perfect thing to lift my mood, because to be perfectly honest, yesterday was not the best. I just felt like a couldn't lift myself from the funk that I was in!
Then this song came on:
"However long our feet have walked on this world
We've all lived long enough to know
That sometimes life will go our way
And other times it won't
But still I've got this joy inside of me
With each new dawn I do believe to
Say hey, it's a good day
Even if things aren't going my way
Jesus is Lord and I am saved
So, say hey, it's a good day
Circumstance and situations change
You know life can turn on a dime
But there's a constant hope and peace
That I have come to find
And it's all because of who God is
And that He is live and I am His, so
We are all as happy as we make our minds up to be
I have just decided that nothing's gonna take this joy from me"
It broke everything down to the basics....no matter what circumstances are going on, no matter how cranky I am or how fussy my children are...it is a good day!
So today the chorus is my mantra. "Jesus is Lord and I am saved, so, say hey, its a good day!"
It was the perfect thing to lift my mood, because to be perfectly honest, yesterday was not the best. I just felt like a couldn't lift myself from the funk that I was in!
Then this song came on:
"However long our feet have walked on this world
We've all lived long enough to know
That sometimes life will go our way
And other times it won't
But still I've got this joy inside of me
With each new dawn I do believe to
Say hey, it's a good day
Even if things aren't going my way
Jesus is Lord and I am saved
So, say hey, it's a good day
Circumstance and situations change
You know life can turn on a dime
But there's a constant hope and peace
That I have come to find
And it's all because of who God is
And that He is live and I am His, so
We are all as happy as we make our minds up to be
I have just decided that nothing's gonna take this joy from me"
It broke everything down to the basics....no matter what circumstances are going on, no matter how cranky I am or how fussy my children are...it is a good day!
So today the chorus is my mantra. "Jesus is Lord and I am saved, so, say hey, its a good day!"
Monday, April 11, 2011
Determining in My Heart
If I was to use a word to sum up last week, it would not be "fun". It seemed like everything was working against me. Reagan was teething, allergies hit everyone and Andrew dislocated his shoulder AGAIN!!!
There was one point in the week that I seriously wanted to crawl into a cave and just wallow. A pity party was starting in full swing.
But I took a minute to stop and make my heart quiet before God. A friend of mine posted a prayer that was so beautiful, I immediately printed out a copy.
Nothing, O Lord is liker to Thy holy nature than the mind that is settled in quietness.
Thou hast called us into the quietness and peace of Thine,
from out of the turmoils of this world, as it were,
from out of storms into a haven;
which is such a peace as the world cannot give,
and as passeth all capacity of man.
Grant now,
O most merciful Father, that,
through Thine exceeding goodness,
our minds may yield themselves obedient unto Thee
without striving;
and that they may quietly rise into that sovereign rest of Thine above.
Grant that nothing may disturb or disquiet them here beneath;
but that all things may be quiet and calm through that peace of Thine.
Amen
I decided that before I could concentrate on having fun, I needed a moment of quiet. So I put together a corner of the dining room as my quiet space.
Even if I don't have time to sit in it, I can glance at it and it brings me back to a quiet heart. I started realizing that one of the reasons I struggle with fun is because there is so much going on in my mind. I concentrate on so many things, that I don't really need to concentrate on. Looking at that corner is a reminder that I need to keep my priorities in check.
So once my mind was quiet I decided to "force fun". No, I wasn't feeling it at first, but I took the kids to the park. Watching them play I began to loosen up and realizing that watching my children play is fun for me. I have also been taking alot of pictures. Being behind the lens of my camera is also fun for me, and when I can combine those two things.....it is wonderful!
Spending time outside, exploring spring!!
Taking this picture was alot of fun!!! She was laughing the entire time!
An artistic moment at the fountain!
There was one point in the week that I seriously wanted to crawl into a cave and just wallow. A pity party was starting in full swing.
But I took a minute to stop and make my heart quiet before God. A friend of mine posted a prayer that was so beautiful, I immediately printed out a copy.
Nothing, O Lord is liker to Thy holy nature than the mind that is settled in quietness.
Thou hast called us into the quietness and peace of Thine,
from out of the turmoils of this world, as it were,
from out of storms into a haven;
which is such a peace as the world cannot give,
and as passeth all capacity of man.
Grant now,
O most merciful Father, that,
through Thine exceeding goodness,
our minds may yield themselves obedient unto Thee
without striving;
and that they may quietly rise into that sovereign rest of Thine above.
Grant that nothing may disturb or disquiet them here beneath;
but that all things may be quiet and calm through that peace of Thine.
Amen
I decided that before I could concentrate on having fun, I needed a moment of quiet. So I put together a corner of the dining room as my quiet space.
Even if I don't have time to sit in it, I can glance at it and it brings me back to a quiet heart. I started realizing that one of the reasons I struggle with fun is because there is so much going on in my mind. I concentrate on so many things, that I don't really need to concentrate on. Looking at that corner is a reminder that I need to keep my priorities in check.
So once my mind was quiet I decided to "force fun". No, I wasn't feeling it at first, but I took the kids to the park. Watching them play I began to loosen up and realizing that watching my children play is fun for me. I have also been taking alot of pictures. Being behind the lens of my camera is also fun for me, and when I can combine those two things.....it is wonderful!
Spending time outside, exploring spring!!
Taking this picture was alot of fun!!! She was laughing the entire time!
An artistic moment at the fountain!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
And the Journey Continues....
Well, March is over as of tomorrow, and I would like to tell you that I am now the perfect mother.....but that would be a lie. Do I still get frustrated by about 4:30pm...yes....do I still find my self snapping and loosing patience....yes. But on the positive note I have learned to take little moments to truly enjoy my children. For example, today Reagan and I played "lets run away from mommy, and then run back again" for about a half an hour. I loved listening to her laugh, she really thought it was the funniest thing. And yesterday I took the time to sit on the floor and play dinosaurs with Cameron. He has such an active imagination,that sometimes I truly believe that "his brain is bigger than his head".
So my lessons in motherhood will continue on in April, as the focus for this month is "have fun".
It sounds silly, but this is something that I truly struggle with, just letting go and having fun. I somehow got an extra large dose of the "responsibility gene". I feel like I can't let go and have fun unless all my work is done. And being a wife and a mother the work is never done! There are always dishes to wash, laundry to do and messes to clean up. But I have to ask myself, as my husband does on a regular basis, "why don't I like fun?"
I guess it is hard for me to see the value in fun...I have seen it as something that I can do without. I also see the "practical" side of fun, the mess that will have to be cleaned up afterwards, or the craziness of trying to catch up on the work that didn't get done while the fun was being had.
So this month, I am determined to cut loose and have fun. I want to get the feeling back that I had when I went sledding with Cameron a few months ago.
My plan of attack is to take a day a week and plan a fun activity for myself and the kids. I want to take Cameron to the Museum of Natural History, because I know he would love it and have at least 5000 questions! Depending on the weather I want to take the kids to a petting zoo.
I also want to take time to have fun myself, to do the things that I really enjoy, even if my house isn't perfect. I love scrapping, and am so far behind it isn't funny. I plan on taking my camera out and figuring out the new lenses I got for Christmas that I haven't used yet.
We shall see how this goes, I will be honest this is kind of a daunting task!
So my lessons in motherhood will continue on in April, as the focus for this month is "have fun".
It sounds silly, but this is something that I truly struggle with, just letting go and having fun. I somehow got an extra large dose of the "responsibility gene". I feel like I can't let go and have fun unless all my work is done. And being a wife and a mother the work is never done! There are always dishes to wash, laundry to do and messes to clean up. But I have to ask myself, as my husband does on a regular basis, "why don't I like fun?"
I guess it is hard for me to see the value in fun...I have seen it as something that I can do without. I also see the "practical" side of fun, the mess that will have to be cleaned up afterwards, or the craziness of trying to catch up on the work that didn't get done while the fun was being had.
So this month, I am determined to cut loose and have fun. I want to get the feeling back that I had when I went sledding with Cameron a few months ago.
My plan of attack is to take a day a week and plan a fun activity for myself and the kids. I want to take Cameron to the Museum of Natural History, because I know he would love it and have at least 5000 questions! Depending on the weather I want to take the kids to a petting zoo.
I also want to take time to have fun myself, to do the things that I really enjoy, even if my house isn't perfect. I love scrapping, and am so far behind it isn't funny. I plan on taking my camera out and figuring out the new lenses I got for Christmas that I haven't used yet.
We shall see how this goes, I will be honest this is kind of a daunting task!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Week 3
Well after the excitement of week two, I kinda had to take some time to recover. However, this week I am instituting a new project.
My weeks tend to get really busy, really quickly. Before I know it we are running around each and every day. So I have decided to devote Tuesdays and Thursdays to my kids. On Tuesdays Cameron will be in charge of picking our activities. On Thursday we will do things that are more geared to Reagan. I want my kids to feel special, and I really believe that taking this time with them will do that. They need to understand that they are more to me than just "baggage" that I carry as I go about my day to day life. They need to realize that they are my life, the time I have with them is so short! Next year Cameron will be in school, so each day I have with him is a treasure.
I did realize this week that I still have a long way to go when it comes to becoming that mom I want to be. On Tuesday Cameron came into my room at 7:00 to wake me up. Usually I am up way before him, but my husband didn't have to be at work till later, so we both used the time to catch up on sleep. Instead of waking up with a song, I was grumpy and sluggish and kinda snapped at him. The minute I saw the hurt look on his face I felt so guilty! So I got out of bed...acted more cheerful than I felt and started over. We sang and laughed our way through the morning. I really need to work on not letting what I am feeling affect how I interact with my children.
The wonderful thing is that children are very forgiving. I asked for Cameron's forgiveness and he gave it without hesitation. That is another lesson I can learn from my children.
Matthew 19: 14
But Jesus said, Let the little ones come to me, and do not keep them away: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
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