A Constant Lesson

I think the biggest lesson I have learned this month is that my faith in God needs to be renewed every second, every day. That it is something that I need to guard.
After Reagan's seizure and hospitalization this month I am feeling like I am living with a time bomb, because we don't have answers yet. Anytime she acts in a way that she did that day, or if something happens out of the normal my heart starts to race and I start wondering, "will this bring on another seizure?"
This is an exhausting way to live! I don't like living in constant fear and foreboding. I know that this is not of God.
I am learning on a day to day basis, that God is powerful where I am powerless. I can't do anything to "fix" Reagan. I can be proactive and be a good steward of the information that we have, but honestly, my hands are tied, but God's aren't.
Whenever I start feeling afraid I remember that God loves my little girl even more than I do. That she is safe and secure in His hands. I just need to have peace in that, and when I start feeling fearful I have to give her back to God.
Last week was really difficult. I could feel myself sliding back into depression. I wanted to give up....but as a mom you can't! I am so thankful for my friends who listened to me, encouraged me and kept me going when I couldn't do it myself.
So this is a moment to moment battle. The things I know, the things I can hold onto are:
God is in control
God loves me and my children
My job is to obey
Nothing will happen to us that God isn't in complete control over
God won't give me more than I can handle

Trying To Keep It Together

The other morning I woke up determined to change my attitude. Over the past couple of weeks areas of my life that I need to change have been at the forefront of my mind. I tend to get this way near the end of the year as I start to focus on how I want the New Year to be.
One of the things I want to change is the way I deal with stress. I will admit I am a control freak. I have been called a "Monica", (yes that was a FRIENDS reference). I love my daily planner and a filled out calendar makes me happy. However, lately, my life hasn't fit neatly into a calendar. I tend to "spaz out" when things come at me from left field. I do what I need to do, but don't always have the best attitude, definitely not the gentle and quiet spirit that I truly long to be.
It has been a rough couple of weeks for us. Not only was the regular holiday stress upon us, but we have been taking turns getting sick. The day I woke up with my new resolve was the day that Reagan got sick.
Between a sick baby and a husband who was working nights,I started to feel completely overwhelmed, add to that lack of sleep and I was not at my best.
Now I would like to be able to share that I stopped there, took a deep breath, got my attitude together and became a Proverbs 31 woman. But I didn't.
Instead I have spent the last couple of days wallowing in self pity, not the best place to be. I talked myself into feeling unappreciated and alone.
So what could I have done differently? Well, to start with I tried to make the changes myself. Instead of turning to the One who has all the strength I decided that I could do it myself. The other thing is that I need to realize that I need to pray continually for contentment. I think alot of my stress comes from fighting against what is going on, wanting to control the people and activities that make up my life. I need to give up that control (you have no idea how hard it was to type that last sentence!)
I have to figure out how to give up this need of control in order to be truly happy. I don't know exactly how to do it yet, but let me do a little thinking and I will get back to you!