My Goals for July...A Few Days Late!!

June flew by! I did well on my de-cluttering, but still have a ways to go. The garage is still the bane of my existence! It is just so easy to close the door and forget about it!
July is supposed to my month to either finish my unfinished projects or get rid of them. It goes well with the left over de-cluttering that I have to do.
July is going to also be my month to get back to the way I was in February, before all the craziness with Reagan started. It has been nine weeks now since her last seizure and I feel like both her and I are starting to get back to "normal".
After her incident I stopped working out and I stopped caring about what I was eating. Because of that I have put on all the weight I had lost. I started working out last week and have actually lost a pound! Baby steps..right?
I also went to see my doctor to kind of check in and make sure that physically I am ok. My thyroid is a little wonky, so we are fixing that.
I am also going to church this Sunday for the first time in a very long time. While my relationship with God is better than it has been in years, I feel like I need to get back into a fellowship.
Over all I feel like I am coming out of a fog.

My little girl, happy, healthy and full of life!

Coming Clean

I have put off posting to this blog this week because honestly, I didn't know what exactly I wanted to say.
Because I thought this month was going to be easy...I thought getting rid of clutter would be a piece of cake. What I didn't realize was the God was going to work on spiritual and emotional clutter as well.
I am doing Beth Moore's study on the fruit of the Spirit. I have been doing it for a little over a month, I have completed the introduction as well as the section on love. It was great, I loved it. I felt convicted over some things and made some changes...all was good. And then I started the section on joy.
I feel like I have hit a wall.
It has made me realize that I am not a very "joyful" person. To me the idea of joy and even happiness come with an abandonment that I am just not comfortable with. I like control, I like knowing what is coming, and having a plan for whatever that is. To me joy isn't "logical". God has given us so many reasons to be joyful, why can't I seem to "tap" into that?
I know that sounds horrible. I have always seen joy as one of the "lesser" fruits of the spirit. I almost see it as something you outgrow.
Well, God is making me come face to face with this. It is almost like He is mimicking my husband, who always says, "why don't you like fun?"
God is making me realize that I need joy in my life. That my life as both a human and as a spiritual person isn't complete without joy. And to be very honest the idea is both invigorating and terrifying.
I long to live a joyful life, I long to be more free and have a certain level of abandonment. What is scary to me is the fact that I can't come up with a plan for that! (which I know defeats the purpose of living life with abandonment):)
So this is something I am working on, and I think it is going to have me learning lessons from my children...because they certainly live life with joy and abandon. They know I love them, they just enjoy things! I know my heavenly Father loves me, I need to start enjoying things.
One of the major obstacles has been the fact that I am still dealing with the terror of what happened with Reagan. I know it has been six weeks, but it is still terrifying. Anytime she starts getting upset I flash back to that day. I am terrified that she is going to get sick, and have another seizure. I feel like I have been surviving, but not thriving. Again, I can't come up with a plan to get over this. I don't like living life in fear, and while the fear has lessened in alot of aspects it still lurks. This fear is creeping into every aspect of my life, affecting other relationships within my family, it has to go! It is exhausting and draining. I have become a "yelly" mom again, and I really don't like it.
So all that being said, it is time for me to take a deep breath. It is time for me to realize that God is good, and that joy is founded in Him, not circumstances. Circumstances change, God doesn't, so there is ALWAYS a reason for joy. I am just so thankful that I serve a God who knows my limitations, He knows what I am striving for and is so forgiving about me messing up and having to pick myself up and start over!

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
—John 15:11

A Fresh Start In June

"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know
to be useful or believe to be beautiful."
William Morris


The above quote is my goal for June. While I don't need to be on "Hoarders" or "Clean House" I do need to get rid of some clutter.The past few months my focus has been on things that I need to change inwardly, so I am really looking forward to June because it is my month to PURGE!!!!
I don't like clutter, at all. It makes me stressed and anxious. Clutter does not make me happy! So in my quest to become a happier person, clutter has to go! Walking thru my house you might not notice the clutter, but it is there. In closets, in drawers, and in the garage (the black hole).
My problem comes when I just have to break down and get rid of things that we have spent money on. I feel wasteful, even if we have more than gotten our money out of it!
As I am looking around I realize that there are boxes that haven't been fully unpacked since we live in Arizona. I realize that there are things that might have come out of boxes, but that I haven't used. Or things that just aren't practical or meaningful for us now.
My goal is to make my way through the house. Today I completed my son's room, worked on both of my daughters room and by doing that threw away three bags of trash, and found alot of things that I can sell online.
I am dreading attacking the garage because that has been my clutter "excuse". I haven't tackled it because it was supposed to be my dear hubbby's job, but not alot of the clutter is my clutter, so I will have to just tackle it!

My son's room after a much needed "decluttering"!

My pile of "sale" stuff so far...I may need to have a yardsale!

Summing up May

On The Anvil by Max Lucado
With a strong forearm, the apron-clad blacksmith puts his tongs into the fire, grasps the heated metal, and places it on the anvil. His keen eye examines the glowing piece. He sees what the tool is now and envisions what he wants it to be--sharper, flatter, wider, longer. With a clear picture in his mind, he begins to pound. His left hand still clutching the hot mass with the tongs, his right hand slams the two-pound sledge upon the moldable metal.
On the solid anvil, the smoldering iron is remolded.
The smith knows the type of instrument he wants. He knows the size. He knows the shape. He knows the strength.
Whang! Whang! The hammer slams. The shop rings with the noise, the air fills with smoke, and the softened metal responds.
But the response doesn't come easily. It doesn't come without discomfort. To melt down the old and recast it as new is a disrupting process. Yet the metal remains on the anvil, allowing the toolmaker to remove the scars, repair the cracks, refill the voids, and purge the impurities.
And with time, a change occurs: What was dull becomes sharpened, what was crooked becomes straight, what was weak becomes strong, and what was useless becomes valuable.
Then the blacksmith stops. He ceases his pounding and sets down his hammer. With a strong left arm, he lifts the tongs until the freshly molded metal is at eye level. In the still silence, he examines the smoking tool. The incandescent implement is rotated and examined for any mars or cracks.
There are none.
Now the smith enters the final stage of his task. He plunges the smoldering instrument into a nearby bucket of water. With a hiss and a rush of steam, the metal immediately begins to harden. The heat surrenders to the onslaught of cool water, and the pliable, soft mineral becomes an unbending useful tool.
"For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
(I Peter 1:6-7)

From On the Anvil: Max Lucado
Stories On Being Shaped Into God's Image

The image of being on an anvil was never far from my mind this month. I had in my head what the month where I was going to focus on my relationship with the Lord was going to look like. It was a peaceful calm path...this month has been anything but.
In this month I have struggled more than I think I have ever struggled in my life! I have dealt with fear, anxiety, despair and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and wondering where I was going to get the strength to take the next step.
God has showed Himself faithful. The strength was always there for that next step. He was always there with me. I am reminded of the "Footprints in the Sand" poem, and I know He did alot of carrying this month.
Psalm 23 became real to me, "yea tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me." When I saw my daughter lying sedated and intubated, I have to admit my faith was small. I couldn't even put words to the prayers I was sending up to God. But during my helicopter ride I felt a peace that I have never felt before, yes I was still scared, yes I was anxious and wanting answers, but over all I knew that God was in control, that we were being held in the palm of His hand. I knew that even though I couldn't put words to my prayers there were hundreds of other people who were lifting us up in prayer. I knew that none of this surprised God. Those were the things I had to hold on to.
I have started a Beth Moore Bible study this month, and today's study was talking about the victory we have in the spirit. The victory is there! I don't need to worry about being defeated!
So this month was hard and terrifying, but hopeful it has made me a sharper tool to be used for God's glory!

A Constant Lesson

I think the biggest lesson I have learned this month is that my faith in God needs to be renewed every second, every day. That it is something that I need to guard.
After Reagan's seizure and hospitalization this month I am feeling like I am living with a time bomb, because we don't have answers yet. Anytime she acts in a way that she did that day, or if something happens out of the normal my heart starts to race and I start wondering, "will this bring on another seizure?"
This is an exhausting way to live! I don't like living in constant fear and foreboding. I know that this is not of God.
I am learning on a day to day basis, that God is powerful where I am powerless. I can't do anything to "fix" Reagan. I can be proactive and be a good steward of the information that we have, but honestly, my hands are tied, but God's aren't.
Whenever I start feeling afraid I remember that God loves my little girl even more than I do. That she is safe and secure in His hands. I just need to have peace in that, and when I start feeling fearful I have to give her back to God.
Last week was really difficult. I could feel myself sliding back into depression. I wanted to give up....but as a mom you can't! I am so thankful for my friends who listened to me, encouraged me and kept me going when I couldn't do it myself.
So this is a moment to moment battle. The things I know, the things I can hold onto are:
God is in control
God loves me and my children
My job is to obey
Nothing will happen to us that God isn't in complete control over
God won't give me more than I can handle

I May Have to Buy a Tiara!

As I stated in my previous post, May is the month I want to focus on my spiritual life.
After one of my favorite bloggers mentioned Beth Moore's study of the fruit of the Spirit, I decided to try the study.
Week 1 has been entitled "Free at Last". It has been all about letting go, which is something that I really struggle with. Today's study really spoke to me, the title, "Credited Righteousness".
In my head I have a list of what I call, "My Major Mistakes". It is a list that while I have asked forgiveness for, I still hold over my own head. I still beat myself up over these things on a daily basis.
The study points out that God never points out sin for the purpose of instilling hopelessness, guilt and poor self esteem, which is what I feel when I think about my "Major Mistakes".
So as I was finishing my study this morning I started making a mental list of the way God sees me.
- I am His daughter, and since He is the King that makes me a princess! (break out the tiara!)
- I am unique...He created me for a distinct purpose.
- I am made in His image
- I am pure...He sees me through the blood of Jesus
Does that the change the way I see myself...yes it does. Does it mean that I will still struggle with seeing my mistakes when I look at myself? Yes it does, but know I have ammunition when the lies start coming.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

Miracles in May

At the beginning of the year I decided that May was going to be the month I really focused on improving my spiritual life. Last Monday I was going to sit down and write a thought provoking blog about how I was starting a new personal Bible study, and what my plans for this month entailed.
However, on Monday I experienced a miracle.
On Monday Reagan had another seizure. This was worse than last time. It didn't happen because of a fever, it was longer, and she actually experienced two seizures. She was given a ton of meds at Howard County Hospital and had to be intubated. We were flown to Children's in DC because Howard Country wasn't equipped to deal with the seriousness of her condition.
After multiple tests, including catscans, bloodwork, EEG and a spinal taps they still don't know why she had this seizure. In a few weeks we will have an MRI and they will try to find an answer.
But instead of dwelling on this, I am trying to focus on the fact that God gave us a miracle this past week. I have never prayed so hard and for awhile I was truly afraid that Reagan wasn't going to survive. It was like living through a horrible nightmare that you can't wake up from . My baby was lying there having to have a machine breathe for her. All I could pray was, "God, please let her live" over and over and over again...and He did.
The doctors expected that she would have mental or physical issues because of how long the second seizure lasted, but God intervened and other than a little weakness and unsteadiness she is back to her crazy self.
God's people, all over the world were praying for my little girl. While we were flying in the helicopter it was like I could feel God's presence in a very real way. I knew without a doubt that God was holding us in the palm of His hand.
Words can't even describe the thankfulness I feel. I truly feel undeserving, and completely humbled that God in His infinite grace chose to save my little girl.
2 Corinthians 12:9 states, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I have never felt so weak, so helpless, but I found out that God's power is truly enough.
At this point I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if these seizures are going to be a regular occurrence. I just don't know, but I do know that whatever happens God's power will shine through. Yes, I am still having problems recovering from the stress of this week. My eyes are still puffy because of all the crying. I am still terrified that it will happen again. Having faith in God's power doesn't negate the human aspects, but I know that He knows that. He knows that I am still a mom and going to worry and cry. He knows that I am going to have my moments that I break down. But He also knows that underneath all the emotions that I trust Him. He knows that I believe that He holds both of my children in His hands.

My little girl home and happy!